Happiness hit her like a great bullet in the head, struck from a great height by someone who should of known better ....

So I have recently found out that people do read my blog and many of them are finding they don't really understand me and my feelings at all.
Apologies if my blog has upset any of you however I'm not changing it as this is my one release and it is not going to be a simple thing to change what is going on in my head at the moment.

Speaking of at the moment i am really unsure of how I feel. I am all muddled and confused.
For some reason life just likes to throw so much shit at me and expect me to deal with it, I can't.

-----

.. I want to master all kinds of kung fu, i wanna live inside a tiny zoo ... =]

So another day another blog.

The week has beeen looooong
I spoke
It helped
I still hurt =[

People are here though
It's much apreciated

Brownies, Saunders singing, seeing Dave, Mom and son, flapjack and the emperors new groove helps ^^

****

However I still feel like this ....

I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away

.... Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ... =[

Some people hide their deepest desires ...

Hey people

Soooo My weekend was really really wierd it started of kinda sad but good as I went to hannah's because she was a bit upset as was I. We just watched TV and had a good ol chinwag.
Then Saturday Harri had her audition for Brits school so to celebrate we went for dinner at pizza express ... and had a very interesting discussion which ended in us both hating one person more than we ever have before.

After all this commotion my weekend was saved by one very interesting person ... Ross =]
He kept me sane.

Monday started of amaaaaaaaazingly as i got to try the best brownie evvvvvvvvvvvvvver!! Ross and Zoe are Genius's!!!
However it kinda went down hill as my chat never really happened =[=[

Today ... well not much to say really apart from I had a great chat with Kwirsty, I finally sorted out my work experience and I am determined to have a good night at the quiz.

As for the rest of the week .... lets just see.

chow for now
!!X!XX!

Cause you don't see me and you don't hear me and you don't love me ...

=[

Ruth needs you ... come back

!X!X!

.. Wonder If this day could possibly get any worse ..?

Omg they are such WANKERS!!!
Why the fuck do they think they can just get away with this, it's not like any one else actually matters hey guys ... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

You know what I am fed up of being nice, it never gets me anywhere so why the fuck should i care bout them, why?
Don't I deserve to be happy aswell, doesn't my happiness count for anything.
Obviously not to the person who cares for me soooo much, enough to royally fuck with my mind and body then go off and fuck someone else all the while knowing that I have feelings for him ... one word FUCKINGASSHOLEWANKSTAINPENISBREATHSLAG!!!!

Fuck it

You don't exist to me.
Neither of you.

So go to Hell!!!!

Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack ... (Only Lora or Rory would understand ^^)

OMGIhavedoneit .... Noway!!!

I have done it guys, can you believe it .. it feels fucking amazing and there is no way I am going to slip as I fully understand whhat an ass hole he is!!! :D:D:D:D
I am actually soooooooooooo happy.


This calls for one thing and one thing only .......... =] ...... =D ..... Banana phone!!! ^^




Chow for now
!X!X!X!

If you be my star I'll be your sky, you can hide underneath me and come out at night ...

Hey people

I have had the weirdest most extraordinary weekend.]
It started of brilliant but obviously 'it' had to ruin it for me =[

I have had enough of being made to feel this way soooo this is it now, he no longer exists to me anymore.

----

Spent the evening with Rory and Lora .. GOOD TIMES!! We were with Anthony but he left quite early so me Rory and Lor went to tescos to get some munch, we then went back to Rory's flat and watched The Beach another amazing film by the legend that is Mr Danny Boyle =]

oooooh dear ... I need to go and do some work now ^^

Chow for now guys
!X!X!X!

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far, did you lose yourself somewhere out there

Hi people
Sorry for the Lack of blogs Ibeen mega busy with Rock Show this week.
It was amazing though =]

So spent the week trying to understand some things;
Firstly) Why Oh Why!?
Secondly) Rory
Thirdly) My so called friends
Fourthly)My mother

I have come up with one solution so far and an extremely nice email ^^

Spent this weekend with Zoe hehe fun times!!
Saw Ross's gig, i actually enjoyed it as we just spent the night laughing at the Shiiiite head bangers and CLASH girl AHHAHA
Made Nacho's cause we are awesome
Ate cookie dough ice cream=]
Went to Tesco's
Saw a Slumdog Millionaire (fucking phenominal) with Gem, Layla and Meg =D

____

I have had it with "it" though.
I have just stopped everything, "it" doesn't even excist to me anymore ...

Chow for now guys
!X!X!X!

I wish I was enough ...

Iwishyoulovedmelikeyouloveher =[

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry call I'm desperate for your voice

Hey everyone
I'm really annoyed my Microsoft office word has just completely fucked up and i kinda need it for work GRRRR!

Anywho day was pretty good, spent it with Ry and the siblings ^^
Went into Oxford to get my bright tights and high heels for Rock Show then had pizza hut as you do. Then went back to Ry's watched a tad of Enchanted =]
Then the rents came home so we all watched Ant and Dec's Saturday night takeaway.
Now I'm home writing on here ... fun times =]

Rock show all next week .. that should be interesting.
Not very good that I am losing my voice though oh and have I mentioned so is Zoe, Oh dear.

Well I haven't really got anything exciting to say but I do have some calming music for you to listen to ... =D



Chow for now
!X!X!X!

Tension .. so much tension

Well apologies for the huuuuuuuge lack of blog's
Life has just been mental

Dance show was amazing =D

I have to go and prepare for rock show now but i will hopefully write on here again soon..

Chow for now
!X!X!

.....

Hey guys
Thought I would just write some more considering I am now in the comfort of my home ^^
So How is everybody?
I'm okish just a bit peeved at the atmosphere surrounding me but hey ho could be worse.
Not much planned for this weekend really just do some work, get the shopping usual weekend really lol

This past week has been ... fun =] Dance show was obviously amazing as we have so many talented dancers and two brilliant choreographers.

...

Rock Show should be good as long as some people relax a tiny bit, I don't like seeing my friends all stressed out, especially the ones who have worked so hard and put so much effort and energy in so just to make sure everyone else is happy.

Anywho I am going to get back to eating my chocolate animals and watching skins ^^ Great combination!

Chow for now
!!XX!X!

Your actions speak much louder than words So tell me why ..

Hey everyone
There is so much drama going on recently i can't keep up.
I miss some people sooo much, and not having them around is really difficult.

Most of my friends are so down recently and i hate it, I wish I could just take it all away from them but I can't and I don't think I ever can.
Don't you hate it when you no there is absolutely nothing you can do to help someone yet you still feel in some way like there is =[

****
I spent the weekend with my cousin down in Cov and i had an amazing time.
It was lovely to see her considering i haven't seen her in like a year :O
She is 20! I can't believe it, feels like only yesterday when we were getting all excited because the parents had said we could have a McDonalds =] Oh were does the time go?

Dance show this week =D
Scary stuff ... Rock Show ... It just gets better and better

The ND2's are leaving in like 3 months and I don't know why but in a way I am glad, just because I know some of them I would be better of not seeing again either because they upset me or we just don't get on.

Predicament

Chow for now
!X!X!